Finding A Happy Place

So much has happened in the last 6 weeks, it's almost too much to think about but I am so glad it's all behind me and my family.  Having a Bi-Lateral Mastectomy was hard, and it was hard to wake up to see what my new reality is.  Then to overcome the pain in just 4 days and to be only on Motrin, as needed, was a blessing.  I have weekly Doctors appointments with my Plastic Surgeon so I feel like I now live at Kaiser Los Angeles Medical Center. The week leading up to my Hysterectomy I had appointments for either myself or one of my kids on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Sunday.  I arrived at my scheduled time of 5:30am on Monday March 19th, Kenny & I thought we would be the first ones there...Boy were we surprised.  There were about 20 people, all there for their 7:30am surgeries as well.  I was called back and the nurse was so incredibly nice to let Kenny come back with me.  I hate when I have an IV placed in my hand, so Kenny was able to bet here for the great Hand Squeeze.  I was in surgery for about 2 hours and all went well, but they decided to keep me for one night anyway.  When I woke up in recovery it was just my luck that the floor I was assigned to wasn't ready for me.  While I waited 9 hours, I was on a great pain killer that I had a hand pump for.  You learn to really appreciate your Pre and Post Op nurses more when you see what they do on a daily basis.    I had a 5 year old wake up next to me that was so upset due to the anesthesia, her mom was trying so hard to console her.  While I was laying there thinking about this little girl and her mom, I said a prayer.  I kid you not, with in minutes this girl went from inconsolable to complete calm and was able to go home.  On my other side I had a women who went in for a Carpal Tunnel surgery and woke up with chest pains.  Turns out she was a heart patient, so I prayed for her too.  Her family was shocked to know that she was having heart problems.  There were so many doctors who came and took care of this woman.   I felt so lucky that I woke up fine and was quite entertained by all the action around me...he he.

I have healed pretty well and only had one moment of that "sadness" from losing all my female hormones.  Lets hope that was my only one.  I am so incredibly grateful that I have great doctors and have been able to beat this Cancer.  I recently read a couple of statistics from the Susan G Koman Foundation that in Los Angeles County there are over 100 women weekly who are diagnosed with Breast Cancer.  Every 13 minutes in the United States a women dies from Breast Cancer.  I started asking Doctors and Nurses why so many men and women have been diagnosed with some form of cancer recently, it almost seems like an epidemic.  It seems the universal answer is "health care", a simple answer.   Most, if not all, diseases are preventable with early detection.  If you attend a yearly doctor physical visit, women annual mammograms and  pap smears and if we are proactive about our health we can beat anything!!   I have said it before and I will repeat myself now, it's all in the positive attitude.

You would think that my family could keep themselves healthy while I am dealing with surgeries and treatments, well they have for months now but it all caught up to us recently.  Kenny had a cold flu and with a combination of moving furniture and coughing so hard he pulled a muscle.  He went to Kaiser for his flu and they ended up running all kinds of tests for a possible heart problem.  Diagnosis....pulled muscle.  Oh gosh it's funny now but when he was there we were kinda scared. Then JT became ill and slept for 5 days straight and didn't eat, I was very worried and was thinking he might have Mono.  I sent him off to Kaiser and the Doctor said it was just a bad case of the flu.  Once he heard that, he was miraculously healed and was back to going out with his friends and played in the Lacrosse game that week.  Janessa came to town for 2 doctors appointments and lots of immunizations for her Haiti trip.  In a soccer game on Saturday  Makayla had fallen and we thought broke her wrist...after a Sunday Kaiser visit, it's only a sprain. Cassandra called me with the infamous "Mom I'm ok but..." she seemed to have hurt her good knee.  She is in Provo so there isn't much I can do for her but tell her to ice/heat, take Motrin and elevate.  Luckily Dillon, Austin and I were the only ones illness free!!  All in all it could have been so much worse.  At times you have to put yourself in a happy place and imagine all the craziness around you isn't happening.  My happy place is either on a beach in Hawaii, a cruise with my family or park hopping at Disney World!!!

I am so glad my surgeries and chemo are behind me and it's all up hill from here.  In the last 6 months I have endured 4 surgeries and 4 rounds of chemo.  I need to let my body heal but I also realize that now is the time for me to start a new career and help others to learn that a positive attitude will get you through anything.

Faith in our Heavenly Father gives you strength. 

Trust in all the blessings that are around you, they are gifts.  

Pixie Dust, a little magic from Disneyland is the best medicine ever!!!   

Whats Your Happy Place?

That Little Bugger

Tuesday February 21, 2012, after over 4 hours of a Bi-Lateral Mastectomy surgery, I woke up a new person.  I had spent 2 nights in the hospital & was then able to go home....note to self: after major surgery, don't go home during rush hour traffic in LA!!!   I will say being prepared for what I would wake up to really helped, but still hard to look down and see what Cancer can do to you.  I did have a nice talk with my body that morning "Well, I have known you all my life but recently you have made me sick.  I think my husband has enjoyed you more than I have, now it's time for you to go".  You have to find humor in all this, otherwise its not worth the anguish.  The pain hasn't been too bad and by Saturday I was only taking Advil for pain.  I wouldn't have been able to get through this without my the support and love of my husband, family, faith and friends.   I have so loved all the flowers, plants, magazines, baked goods, dinners and company during this last week.

Wednesday February 29, 2012 at my post op appointments I learned from the pathology report that I had more cancer removed.  It was a very small cell but Lobular Cancer spreads & I guess my Lobular cancer was trying to spread, that little bugger just didn't want to leave!  I knew with certainty having this surgery was what I needed to do, and that pathology report just confirmed it for me.  I feel very blessed to have the doctors I have.  I have been able to catch up on some shows and movies I have missed over the last few months.  Recovering from a double mastectomy is easier than recovering from chemo...for sure!  I still have my complete hysterectomy coming up soon.     Walking around the streets of LA going from one appointment to another today was a bit scary.  All I could think of is, I hope no one bumps into me.  Having stitches across your chest has that protective/scariness to it.  Just taking it easy is not one of my strong points, I can't wait to drive, get back being busy and wondering where the day went with so much to do.  I am allowed to go on my long walks again, my hair is growing and that since of independence is coming back again.  Can you tell, I'm excited!!!  Having Cancer isn't always easy but my cancer is beatable!  Having such a great support system has made this fight so much easier.  Get the tissues out and see this through to the end....just like you are doing for me.  Thank You All, this one is for you!!

A Week In Review.......

Dillon passed all his math tests early this year and was able to attend an Ice Cream Party to celebrate!!!  This 3rd Grader is now working on division!!!  WOW

Makayla came home so very excited to be one of a few soloists performing in her Jr High School Dance Show Recital.  Yeah!!!!!

JT was accepted into BYU-Idaho and will be on the Spring/Fall Track.  He will be going with some friends, lets just hope he doesn't have too much fun.  We are very proud of him but wondering how much dirty laundry he will be bringing home at Christmas??? ha ha

Cassandra was interviewed for weekly show on BYU TV.  That was so fun to see "Foot Poetry"  highlighted for their voluntary efforts in performing at events such as fundraisers.  Gotta love tap dancers!!

Janessa got a new job and was selected to be the Project Director for a BYU Non Profit group that travels to Haiti and helps with what ever sustaining is needed.  She will be there all summer.

Austin (son in law) will be attending lots of training for his military position this summer in and out of the country.  Not easy to do but not surprised he was selected!!  Hoo-Ra!

While having my pre-op in LA I had lots of messages on my iPhone that "Breaking News" was going on just a block away.  There were Firefighters, Cops, News Crews and Helicopters all around.  Well, just another day in Los Angeles.

I was tricked into attending an event and then surprised as I was given an award from Newhall Elementary PTA for volunteering.   I was shocked and humbled, my good friend of 18 years tricked me and brought me to this event, then stood up and spoke such wonderful words of how she thought of me (all good) and yes we shed a few tears.  They even got 3 of my kids and Kenny there.  I volunteer in PTA because of the kids, the schools, teachers and so many great programs, grants and scholarships that PTA offers to our schools nationwide.  I cannot express my gratitude enough for the recognition of  volunteering in the community, it's something I have loved doing.

Dillon's 2nd Grade teacher texted me at about 6:45am to tell me she had her baby boy just 12 hours before!  Oh my gosh is Kyle so very cute!   I was so excited to see this beautiful new little baby that was so sweet in his moms arms.  I can't wait to see and hold him again!!

I had the opportunity to meet with three wonderful women who have something in common with me, I guess you can figure out what that is (wink wink).  We found it alarming how many have recently been diagnosed with Breast Cancer.  The statistics read that 1 in 8 women are diagnosed with Breast Cancer, I wonder if those numbers will change soon to read 1 in 6?  These women are so wonderful and fun to talk to.  All of us have had Chemo and these women have had either a Single or Bi-Lateral Mastectomy as well.  I was so excited to see that these women have hair!!  They are walking around with surgeries and treatments done and just recovery ahead.  The funny thing about hair growing back in after Chemo, the last thing on your mind is to have it cut, trimmed or colored...Your Just Happy To Have Your Hair Again!  I am so happy to say my hair is growing in, slowly at this point but it's growing in.  I am not sure what color it is yet, but I am hoping its not one I would have to color.  I have never in my life had to color my hair, I loved my hair color and wishes it comes back the same.  No matter the color or texture I just pray daily my hair grows in fast.

No matter what is on my plate....life keeps going.

New Normal.....What Is Normal Now?

What is normal after a life changing event.  I can tell you that normal isn't what it used to be, I am still waiting.  I really thought that 3-4 weeks after my last Chemotherapy treatment I would be back to normal, well that was dumb of me! ha ha.  I have learned that I probably won't be 100% what I used to consider to be normal.   I am walking 1-2 miles daily now but always feel like I just did a "Last Chance Workout" with Jillian from the Biggest Loser.  I walk with a great new friend of mine who happens to be a nurse, so I know if I faint or something goes wrong...I'm in good hands.  My body has retained water enough for two people, but the walking is helping....well kinda.  My sleepless nights are still with me at 2am!!  You know, there are some strange shows on TV between 1:30am-4am.  I still have memory loss and eyes water like I'm crying.  BUT the upside is, I can eat and taste everything, I can eat all foods and not have side effects.  I drank one soda and realized I think soda is a once a month beverage for me, that's a plus!  My muscles and joints feel so stiff I sometimes think rigamortis has set in..ha ha. Just walking up stairs, no matter how few, are painful but doable.  I am not going to let this keep me from living a life, I just need to find that normal.  I hear "New Normal" is only a few months away for me.  I will have hair, the weight gain will be gone and hopefully the joint and muscle pain will be gone to.

I do have a couple of major surgeries coming up that will help with the prevention of having cancer return in the future.  February 21st I will have a Bi-Lateral Mastectomy with Plastic Surgery and in March I will have my Ovaries removed.  I am hoping for 100% remission of cancer but I am not turning my back on it.  This is my new normal, another lesson to learn in life.  So whats normal now, we really don't know yet but all modesty is thrown out the window when I see an Oncologist or Plastic Surgeon now!! ha ha.   You would think I am used to "New Normal" having had two girls in High School Cheer.....nope that's just plain craziness!!  Yet we get to be CheerParents yet again soon....Makayla is trying out for the High School Cheerleading Squad in a month or two, her two older sister's advise, "if your going to do it, stay out of the drama"!!  ha ha.  Now that's an Oxymoron...... 

Strawberry Lemonade......

Now that the chemicals are out of my system I can now have all those foods that I was unable to have during my therapy.  All carbonated drinks, berries, citric acid, spicy foods, shell fish and raw vegetables are suggested not to have for a Chemo Patient.  There are side effects that the chemicals from chemotherapy can cause, which of course I was having.   I know of some chemo patients that had these foods and were just fine, but of course Marri "Murphy's Law" was not able to.   I will say since I was unable to eat some of my favorite foods for three months, this has made those foods taste so much better now!!  Yesterday I was given the OK to eat all foods again, so I went shopping at the Produce store and bought myself some strawberries & tomatoes!!  I am not a big soda fan so I haven't missed that but I have missed having a strawberry lemonade....can't wait to have that again.   I will be so excited to have some great Mexican food!!

Now if my hair would just grow in...FAST.   I really want to go to Disneyland, but with either a scarf or wig on it will fly right off on a ride. Can you imagine some kid on Space Mountain enjoying his ride in the dark and BAM a hairy wig flies right into his face! Yea that would happen to me, so for now I will wait...ha ha

My energy is getting back to normal now.   I am so excited I can do things and not feel so exhausted after, that was so hard for me.  Over a few weeks the energy level really went to nothing and over time I didn't  notice how much.  Yesterday and today my energy level is amazingly working it's way back to what it used to be.  Although I have a few more surgeries to go I can now see the light at the end of this tunnel.  

Enjoy your food of choice today everyone!

Chemo....It Does Funny Things To Your Body

I am still waiting for my hair to grow back, you know I really miss it.  I sometimes find myself grabbing for it, brushing it and wanting to blow dry it.  It's the small things in life that you realize are habit forming.  I have a great wig that looks real, but I feel the mesh on my scalp, something you can't see.  I feel the synthetic hair and it doesn't feel the same to me.  I also wear my scarves, caps and hats but again it's not the same.  I have hair envy, is that bad or what?  I hear so many people complain about their hair color, texture and style.  I pray every day that my hair grows fast and isn't grey!! ha ha.

I have also realized how pale I am now....I haven't been out in the sun in so long!  I need to get out walking and get some color back in face.  Its so windy here lately I am afraid I may lose my wig so I guess I will have to sport a cap or scarf.  I went to a luncheon meeting one day in December.  I had just gotten this long wig from the American Cancer Society and wearing it was so new to me.  This lunch was on a day of "The Wind Storm" that blew through So Cal.  The wind was blowing so very hard that I had to hold the car door with two hands as I opened it to get out, for fear it could bend all the way back.  As I was walking to the restaurant I had to hold my wig down with my hand.  I noticed that the people in the restaurant were looking at me funny....I had to laugh, I would have done the same thing.  Since then I have learned to not ware wigs on a windy day...ha ha

Last week I attended another meeting and drove with a couple of friends.  We stopped at Taco Bell to grab a quick bite to eat.  I knew I couldn't eat anything there since I am unable to eat anything spicy.  I asked the man behind the counter if the chicken was spicy, he replied "No the a chicken isn't a spicy".  So I ordered a chicken soft taco with cheese only.  Now my mouth was coated, as usual after chemo, with this funny film in my mouth that prevented me from tasting anything.  I had my taco and we went on to the meeting.  After about 15 minutes my face felt really hot, I thought to myself "oh man my face is turning red"...then my tongue became tingly and my lips felt like they were plumping...ha ha.  All I could do was laugh in my head about this.  I wonder what the others in the meeting were thinking as they saw my face get more red as time went on.  So funny the things chemo can do to your body, yea really funny.

I'm so excited to eat spicy food again, salads, BBQ, berries and other fruit, eat tomatoes and not worry about what salt can do to my body.  I have gained about 15-20 lbs in water weight over the last week or two...I have been assured by my Hemo Oncologist that this weight will all come off in February.  I really hope she is right, I really don't want to end up on the Biggest Loser-Cancer Edition...ha ha  Actually that would be a good one!  I look forward to having the energy to exercise again!!  I need to build my stamina up and get back to working out again!!  

Sometimes Plans Change

So as I finished with my Chemotherapy....Wohooo....I continue to learn more and more about my pathology report, my body chemistry & options for treating my cancer to prevent it from coming back.  I have met with more new Doctors and have found that because I am Estrogen Positive my ovaries must come out, otherwise my cancer will come back.  I also have decided, through much prayer, to have a Bi-Lateral Mastectomy to prevent cancer from returning in either breast.  I know it's not 100% however chances are in my favor of  80%-90%  that it won't return.  I could have cancer in the muscles of my chest are and maybe in some tissue, but that is a slim chance.

So moving forward I will have my ovaries removed in February and Breast Surgery with reconstruction in March.  I should be done with all my surgeries in June!  I now have 3 Oncologists and a Plastic Surgeon, the good news is I won't need radiation now that I will have the Mastectomy, one less procedure to have done.

I have some great doctors who are really listening to me and teach me more about cancer and my body.  I am so grateful for the doctors and nurses I have!!