The Hard Truth

I am finally done with my Chemotherapy Treatments, each Chemotherapy does become harder to recover from.  So here's a list of the worst so far:

Hair follicles hurt - Loss of hair - Constipation - Body aches - Runny nose - Finger nails hurt - Joint pain - Memory loss - Physical fatigue - Eye sight blurry - Perception off - Very dry skin - Temporary menopause - Mouth sores - Intermittent loss of taste buds - Nausea - Headaches - Indigestion - Sleepless nights - Loss of smell - Weight Gain - Mental fatigue - Numbness - Night Sweats - Frustration - Understanding

I have to say with all this that I have been through so far, it's tolerable, it's not easy but it is tolerable.  I feel blessed for all the researchers and advancements in technology that has made Chemotherapy Tolerable.  I can remember my Grandmother dying of cancer in our home.  My sister and I had a large room on the main floor so the Hospital Bed was set up in our room.  We shared it with her intermittently over the last year of her life.  She was very skinny and frail.  Her tumor in her abdomen was so big she looked pregnant.  She carried it when she would slowly get out of bed.  She wore socks to help her legs from clotting.  She is was in so much pain she would moan all day and night.  My great Aunts and Great-grandmother came from as far away as Oklahoma to take turns caring of her.  One night she was so near death, at least that's what they told me, for all I know she did pass and they were able to revive her.  My Dad and Grandfather carried her to car and drove as fast as they could to UCSF where she was admitted and would pass away a couple of weeks later.  Her cancer metastisized and were now in her Uterus, Ovaries, Kidneys, Liver, Mouth and Brain.  She was a very strong woman all her life.  To see her pass this way was difficult but she was so very brave.  I wasn't very close to her but I have always had so much admoration for her and her strength.

Here is a few of what they call "Chemo Cocktail".  There are "Pre Chemo" drugs that are administered either through IV or Pills before I get the actual Chemo Drugs.  I start off with 3 Anti Nausea pills then receive a bag each of Saline, Pepcid and Benadryl.  All of these counter act any allergic effects I get from the Chemo it self. This process is usually an hour long.  I usually get very painful joint pain from the Taxotere (chemo)  so they then give me a syringe of Benadryl and push that through the IV, this really helps and then makes me really tired.  That treatment usually takes about 1 hour.  I then have a bag of Cytoxan (chemo) for about 40 minutes, this burns going in my hand so they heat me up a small bag of saline and put that on my hand, for some reason it helps???  Once I am done the IV comes out and I am free to go!  I was never to so happy to walk out those doors yesterday.

My faith hasn't been shaken but it has been strengthened.  I have literally cried in prayer for strength and asked to be carried when I need to be, I have been.  I know how loved I am by Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  I can say without a doubt that Jesus and Heavenly Father are my best friends.  When I have my darkest moments, when I am in so much pain or when I just need comforting I turn to my family and my Heavenly Father and my faith for strength.  I read my scriptures and write in my journal often.  I have gained so much spiritual strength over the last few months, but I know there is always room for growth.  I am so grateful for all the prayers offered on my behalf.  My fight is not over as I may have a few more surgeries ahead of me, but I do believe what I have been promised through my Church Patriarchial Blessing, that I will live a long life and I have much to accomplish.  No matter the age I am when I pass I am grateful for the knowledge that Families can be together forever.  Since my family has been sealed in the Los Angeles Temple I know that we will be together for all eternity, I am so grateful for that.  I am grateful for each and every one of you, it takes an enormous amount of support to not just the patient but the family as well.  We have been very blessed to have so much love and support.  I know this isn't usually as upbeat as I normally post but this is the true facts of Chemotherapy.  It's not easy but I have gotten through it.  I hope to never endure this again, I hope my children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren and any other family members never have to endure this terrible disease.  The truth is right now 1 in 8 will have breast cancer.  That's just for Breast Cancer, not to mention any other type of cancer out there.  I am very lucky to have the type of cancer that I do, this is so beatable.  I have decided to seek consultations for a Double Mastectomy and Hysterectomy as I am having a few issues with my female body parts during Chemo.  I am being very proactive in my health management and seeking all the advise and options that I have available before me.  I can't wait to get back to a normal life and have a Calling again for my church, give back to the community and start my Motivational Speaking as well as having my book published.  Lot's to look forward to but do know my family comes first!

My next Blog Posting wont be so harsh or weepy but I did want to share this with all of you so that you know how you have uplifted and really helped  my family through the last few months.  I can't thank you all enough.  2011 is behind us and I look forward to 2012 bringing much more great gifts and joy to our family.

Giving & Receiving.....

I know I am not the only mom out there who has done this but when you receive a phone call from your 8 year old from school telling you that you forgot to pick him up, you feel like your the only parent on earth that has done this.  After we picked Dillon up from school I explained to him that since I had Chemo on Tuesday I wasn't feeling 100% just yet.  He replied "What you had Chemo on Tuesday? I didn't know that?", it's that selective hearing thing kids have.  He then said the smartest thing that made me think he is paying attention, "That means you only have one more!  What day is that on?"  I had to tell him he is so smart!!!  I then realized my disease has consumed our every thought, I just hope that we can make this into a positive.  With as many blessings as I have been given I really hope to help others and make sure my family can do the same with our knowledge of this disease and treatments that are needed to be undergone.

I had an amazing opportunity to meet with a new friend Janelle, who had her first Chemotherapy on Tuesday December 20th.  Cassandra is friends with her son Tanner, who is currently serving a mission for our church in Australia.  Cassandra & I put together a care package and brought it to Janelle Monday.  I was able to answer her questions and hopefully calm her fears of having Chemotherapy and all that it will bring to her body.  She is doing great and will continue to do so, she is a very strong person.  I was so happy to be on the giving end instead of the receiving end.  I so appreciate all the help, dinners brought in, gifts, kind words, lovely cards and many many prayers said on my behalf.  BUT it felt great to be back where I usually am, the giver.

One thing, out of many, that I have learned so far is.....to receive is just as important as to give.   As important as it to give of your time, effort, talents, love and compassion, it is just as important to receive those special gifts.  When someone has taken the time to bake cookies and bring them to you as a gift during the holidays or to show appreciation, the gratification of having them received with such joy is so important to the giver.  I have learned that to show my appreciation to those who have given me so much from dinners to prayers, is to give back by doing for others.  When I give a plate of homemade baked goods I don't want the receiver to make me a plate, I would hope that they would do something similar for another family.  That's the gift that keeps on giving, something that has been taught to us for over 2000 years.

My gift to everyone this year, gratitude.  I have not lost faith, I have not lost hope and I have not lost the trust that no matter what, I have a mission on this earth and I fully intend to fulfill that mission.  

Crossing a Hurdle

Tuesday November 29th was my 2nd Round of Chemotherapy, and for the most part it went good.  This time was a bit harder during the treatment but I survived.  I was more tired after treatment this time, and it will be a bit more each time.  Luckily I only have 2 more and I am done!  Tuesday December 6th I had a brunch to attend, it was good to see friends I hadn't seen in a few months.  Most didn't know about my Breast Cancer Fight.  We had a motivational speaker address over 200 of us, Carrie was great.  She started off with a "Who here is a" or "Who here has had to" but then she got to her last question, "Who here is a Cancer Survivor".  I had been raising my hand to the questions that applied to me and when it came to this one all the sudden everything was in slow motion.  I saw a few friends look at me as if to say, ok thats you raise your hand.  Then Carrie had asked me to stand up, I did as I was told but now realizing "oh my gosh I am a Cancer Survivor".  My eyes filled with tears and of course I tired to shut that off, this was a happy time and why would I cry now??!!  I only stood for a few seconds, but it felt like a few minutes.  I heard some gasps with disbelief, they didn't know...Well didn't the scarf on my head give that away, ha ha.  I also heard some say "ohh", I guess it all just hit me and to be asked to stand and hear claps of encouragement for what I am going through was overwhelming for me.  At this moment I felt like I had crossed a hurdle, I wasn't at home having a pity party, I wasn't in the car crying to a song that touched me, I wasn't toughing out my emotions,  I felt empowered!  Sitting on one side of me was Heidi, who's sister lives in Pennsylvania and recently found out that her breast cancer had come back and now they would be doing Chemotherapy.  Heidi had so many questions for me and I was able to answer them.  On the other side Diane, a great friend who comforted me knowing somewhat of my feelings.  Her dad is battling cancer and not doing well right now.  Later in the day I received a call from my friend Lisa who told me her friend had just been diagnosed with Breast Cancer and she had asked if it was ok for her friend to call me.   I have a great mentor Ines, who has been there every step of the way, checking in on me and calls just to make me laugh.  Now it's my turn to do the same.  The unknown is frightening but when you have someone to guide you through, its not so bad.  I am grateful that I have been given this great gift to share with others and help where I'm needed.  I am grateful that my cancer didn't spread, it is curable and I will live a long life. I am grateful for a loving family who supports me and loves me eternaly.  I am grateful for friends who are so gracious, kind and so incredibly supportive.  The strength I have is one that is developed through Faith and Prayer, without that I would be on my sofa watching movies.  Not now, I have a goal.  I am writing a book, becoming a Motivational Speaker and living my life they way I am supposed to.   Thank You Carrie for coming to speak to all 200+ of us and have the courage to ask me to stand.

Christmas is only 17 days away....I have so much shopping to do, but keeping mind what this Holiday is all about.  As a primary song sings "I'm Trying To Be Like Jesus"..... Merry Christmas Everyone!

The Strawberry Blonde Is Now All Gone......

What defines you?  I like to think your character, your compassion, your thoughtfulness, your dedication, or maybe your convictions in your religious beliefs.  When you walk by someone who looks a bit different do you tend to stare?  When you hear something that is a bit out of the ordinary to you, do you find yourself thinking "What did he/she just say"?  OK, so it's totally normal....right??

Lets see it from the perspective of the receiver of those looks and giggles.  So Sunday November 19th, I woke up to what seemed to be a normal day.  While getting ready for church I noticed a bit more hair in my brush than usual.  With each stroke I thought to myself, "I could make my own wig"!! ha ha.... So I knew this day would come but I was hoping it would happen after my 2nd Chemotherapy treatment.  Now lets think about this, does anything in my life happen like it should, or even on time??  While at church I was praying that no one would give me a hug and touch my hair, for fear it would come out in their hands & I would have to explain.  Then what would they do with this enormous amount of hair in their hands, that would be embarrassing.  Well that almost happened, but my quick hand headed off that stroking of my hair like Superman stopping Lex from trying to strike him.  OK so I'm not a superhero but I kinda like the analogy.

I decided since our daughter Cassandra would arrive on Tuesday November 22nd, I would wait to have it cut off that night.  We had all our children (except Janessa & Austin), Howie and Ann Sarmiento, and of course Elizabeth Bence and her daughter Carrie.  I had a good friend Nikki Gouldin, who happens to be a hairdresser, come do the honors.  Ann brought me a scarf and bangs....yes I said bangs.  They are a like a wig but on a thin head band, you wear them under a hat or scarf.  They are really cute!!

So Nikki started to take my hair band out of the braid I had & make a pony tail.  I tried to tell everyone that my hair falls out in big clumps...but they really didn't understand.  That is until Nikki took the braid out, everyone just looked, mouths dropped and all I heard was, Wow.  I tried to tell them...ha ha.  So after she carefully put my hair in a pony tail Carrie, Cassandra and Makayla took turns cutting the pony tail off.  So my hair, when you would look at me, seemed really Strawberry Blonde...emphasizing BLONDE.  Well under those blonde locks was dark red hair, almost blonde!!  It was a fun night only filled with laughter, just the way I wanted it.  Nikki was able to buzz it down to a 0, which still left stubble.  The next morning Cassandra & I got creative using duct tape to get those remaining hairs.  I still have stubble but was able to take out some hair that is just sitting there.  No it didn't hurt, I have some hair that has no roots, its just sitting in the pore waiting to come out.  I think after tomorrow I will lose the rest, including eyebrows and eyelashes...now you can cry for me...he he he.

I have refused to stay inside like a hermit crab, huddled on my sofa watching movies all day, so Wednesday  Cassandra & I went out.  It felt weird, now everyone will know I have cancer.  People do look at me differently, treat me differently and people who usually wouldn't give me the time of day even come up to me and try to be my new BFF....Whatever!!!!  I do appreciate the sentiment though.  We have had many friends and families who are both members and non-members of our church bring us dinners.  Thank you Debbie Crockett for organizing this.  We so appreciate all the meals, especially when I have no energy or are too sick to get out of bed the 4 days after chemo to cook dinner.  But its ok, my mom told me to be proud of my baldness....ok I will try.  She even cut her hair really short, thanks Mom.  But let me just say, please don't cut your hair short or off on my behalf....it really stinks.  I wear scarfs and hats for now,  I really don't know if I will wear wigs though...but I have bangs...ha ha!!

So my point to this is when you see someone who is bald, please don't look at them with concern or pity in your face.  That is truly the last thing anyone who is battling Cancer or dealing with Alopecia (refers to a group of rare disorders that destroys the hair follicle & replace it with scar tissue, thereby causing permanent hair loss) really wants to see.  When fighting a disease it's overwhelming sometimes, you need to have strength to get through it.  Talking about it is good, making jokes about its great and killing the disease is Worth It!!   But please remember, I am not dying....I'm in it to win it...sorry to my girls, I know it's a cheer motto but truly I am!!  I have too much to accomplish on this earth, one of them is to live to be at least 90 something.  Thank you to all my family & friends who have called, mailed me cards, sent me emails, text messages and messages on Facebook.  Those who come to see me, give me hugs, bring me gifts and feed my family....I am eternally grateful.  Now remember....NO TEARS.... so I leave you with this Makayla "mom do we have any conditioner" Marri "no honey I didn't even think to buy that lately, I haven't really needed it for a while now".

Live, Love & Laugh...and Read Your Scriptures After You Pray.....

That's What Gets Me Through Each & Every Day.  

Now, on to Christmas!!!!!

Can Hair Follicles Really Hurt??

All who know me know, I am sensitive when it comes to my skin, but I hadn't really prepared myself enough for the possible reactions to the chemicals that would be going through my veins.  My skin is so dry and my hair, the actual follicles, hurt???  I have learned that for the 5 days following treatment your hair will hurt to brush, to touch, to move and to just look at?!   I figure my time with this hair that I have had for 45 years will soon shed, leave me and be replaced by....a younger, healthier and better looking head of locks.  I am excited to see what will happen but really hoping for anything but grey!!!

The side effects from Chemo so far.....hand rash, mouth sores, body aches, sleeplessness, hair hurts, memory a bit fuzzy, eyesight off, fatigue & taste buds missing in action.  I know with each side effect, I will get through it and move on.  Today I really can't eat pretty much anything with the new mouth sores, so I had a milk shake for dinner.  Brushing my teeth is really painful so I do  it gently.

Although I could be mad and say "I Hate Having Cancer" I have to reflect on why I have this disease.  I was given this disease for a reason.  I pray that I will know what it is I am to do with all I am going through and learn so I can put my knowledge to good use.  Anger wont get me anywhere, a positive attitude will, and this will make me, my family & those around us happy.

So I figure by what I am told by those who are currently going through the same type of Chemo Therapy and my Doctor and nurses, my hair has about 2 more weeks with me.  I have gotten some beanies, hats and scarves in preparation for my new look.  I have a good friend Ines Parr who is going through Chemo Therapy for Breast Cancer right now, she has been such a good friend and Mentor to me through this process.  She is such an inspiration and has such a great positive attitude,  I really look up to her.

Janessa was in town over last weekend and made us dinner one night, I was able to taste it and it was soooooo good.  JT and his friend Camille make cake for desert & I was able to taste that too!!!  Thanksgiving is just 7 days away, I hope my mouth sores are gone by then so I can eat the amazing dinner Cassandra will be making us.  My family is amazing, I am so blessed to have them in my life.

First Chemotherapy Treatment

Kenny had called our Ward Missionaries to come and help him administer a Priesthood Blessing to me as a comfort for sick.  That really helped calm my fears of the unknown for the day.  Elders Evanson and Nielson didn't know what was wrong with me until they arrived, they just knew I was in need of a blessing.  They were so amazing and humble.

My Sister In Law Ann took & sat with me so patiently for over 4 hours Tuesday.  She was so great & even held my hand while I had the IV put into my hand, this is something I just hate having done.  You would have thought by looking at us we were going on a trip, she with her bag, lunch and laptop, me with my huge bad of books, scriptures, journal, snacks, lunch, 1 ltr. water bottle, blanket and cell phone in hand.



I had many who texted me during the process with lots of great thoughts and words of encouragement.  As I met my nurse for the day Vee, she reassured me that they would take it slow to see my tolerance to taking the Chemo drugs.  At first they stared me with a bag of Saline, then came the Bendadryl and Pepcid to counter act the Corticosteroid "Dexamethasone" & Chemo drugs Taxotere and Cytoxan.  I was doing great until the Taxotere, after the fist 10 minutes my knees had the worst aching and I could barely walk.  That subsided after another 10 minutes.  I had this drip for about 1 1/2 hours.  Then I had the Cytoxan, this was ok at first but then came the burning in the hand....more like stinging.  I only had this drip for about 40 minutes, thank goodness.  I did have some nausea but it was light, until I got home.  Then came the fatigue and upset stomach.  All I wanted to do was sleep, but I had to take more of my Dexamethasone, this is a medicine that must be taken with food, UGH.  So I had half a sandwich, took the meds and got to sleep for about two hours.

Oh but wait, it was election night here in Santa Clartia and needed to help Measure E pass so our School District could get the much needed funding from our current property taxes.  So at 7:45pm I made Kenny take me out so we could vote.  It was well worth it, Measure E passed!!

I was able to get a good night sleep from about 10pm-4:30am.  I had to take all my meds from 5am-6am with food..ugh!  So I made myself toast with Peanut Butter, I am finding my taste buds have been effected and the Peanut Butter doesn't taste so good to me anymore.  I had to force down 2/3's of the toast and had to stop, took my pills and sat in bed watching my favorite show, The KTLA Morning News & waking my husband up to get the kids up for the day.  I tried eating my normal breakfast of Raisin Bran Crunch, but that doesn't taste so good either???  I'm worried about lunch now...ha ha

I know I have a challenging 3 months ahead but it's so outweighs the alternative.  I am fighting for my life here and I don't take one moment for granted.

I should be feeling better Friday and Janessa arrives Saturday for a few days.  Then Cassandra comes home for Thanksgiving week!!  I love that my girls participated in a Breast Cancer Run in Utah last month, dedicating it to me.  It's a hard lump to swallow seeing the stickers on them "I Am Running For My Mom", I guess it makes it all to real.  It's one thing to go through the motions but another to see it in a picture.  All my children make me so proud.  This is not just my fight, it's my families fight too.  I get many pictures that Dillon makes me wishing me "Get Well Soon Mom".  We all handle it differently but yet have our faith in Heavenly Father that we are not walking alone.  In fact we are sometimes carried in our darkest moments.  As I pray & read my scriptures daily I find renewed strength.  May we all strive to find a renewed strength daily.

It's All In The Attitude

When a tragic event or serious situation in your life happens you realize that what you need is a positive attitude.  In order to accomplish this you need to surround yourself with positive people, unfortunately that means friends  who usually are negative, but you put up with them, become those who you would rather not be around.  Now these are not bad people, they just suffer from what I like to call the "Eeyore Syndrome".

Usually you can handle the "Pity Me" or "I'm Angry At The World" personalities by letting it all roll off your shoulders.  What really is funny are those cantankerous persons who use up all their energy to blatantly create havoc.  Now those personalities can be so difficult to be around.  I would suggest steering clear of those personalities when going through a very difficult time in your life.  We all need to be tolerant and love one another, but everyone does have their limits.

A great part of recovery from anything in life is putting yourself in a great place.  I try reading my scriptures, having daily prayer with my family and a separate one with my husband, keeping a journal, making good choices and being a good friend and neighbor.  I find that when I do this, regardless of what happens around me, as long as I keep my focus on my goal of happiness I am in a good place in life.

What makes me the most happiest is when I attend any of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints Temples.  The peace I feel in our Temples is one that you can't find anywhere else on earth.  Everyone is soft spoken, smiling, always eager to be friendly and helpful.  Even when our family attends the Temple Visitors Centers we find a peace that is so amazing.

Time with my family....when they aren't fighting....ha ha.  I love spending time with my family wether it's watching a movie, TV show, playing a game, telling jokes, taking road trips, vacations, stuck in traffic, times of sorrow or joy.  No matter the situation I love being with my family.

I love going to Disneyland, Disney World...pretty much anything Disney makes me happy.  Why do you think Disney makes people happy?  I think it's the unknown magic that all things Disney brings to each life.  No matter the weather, the crowds or time of year.... Disney makes me happy!

Laughing, its such a great medicine.  I love to laugh with friends and family.  I think the sillier you seem to get you tend to laugh at nothing at all.  No matter what once you laugh, your in a good mood.

Make sure to find your happiness in life and spread positive attitudes, those who have negative attitudes seem to end up bitter and alone in life.  Appreciate what you have, don't long for something you don't have.  Life is too short to not appreciate everything and be happy.