That Little Bugger

Tuesday February 21, 2012, after over 4 hours of a Bi-Lateral Mastectomy surgery, I woke up a new person.  I had spent 2 nights in the hospital & was then able to go home....note to self: after major surgery, don't go home during rush hour traffic in LA!!!   I will say being prepared for what I would wake up to really helped, but still hard to look down and see what Cancer can do to you.  I did have a nice talk with my body that morning "Well, I have known you all my life but recently you have made me sick.  I think my husband has enjoyed you more than I have, now it's time for you to go".  You have to find humor in all this, otherwise its not worth the anguish.  The pain hasn't been too bad and by Saturday I was only taking Advil for pain.  I wouldn't have been able to get through this without my the support and love of my husband, family, faith and friends.   I have so loved all the flowers, plants, magazines, baked goods, dinners and company during this last week.

Wednesday February 29, 2012 at my post op appointments I learned from the pathology report that I had more cancer removed.  It was a very small cell but Lobular Cancer spreads & I guess my Lobular cancer was trying to spread, that little bugger just didn't want to leave!  I knew with certainty having this surgery was what I needed to do, and that pathology report just confirmed it for me.  I feel very blessed to have the doctors I have.  I have been able to catch up on some shows and movies I have missed over the last few months.  Recovering from a double mastectomy is easier than recovering from chemo...for sure!  I still have my complete hysterectomy coming up soon.     Walking around the streets of LA going from one appointment to another today was a bit scary.  All I could think of is, I hope no one bumps into me.  Having stitches across your chest has that protective/scariness to it.  Just taking it easy is not one of my strong points, I can't wait to drive, get back being busy and wondering where the day went with so much to do.  I am allowed to go on my long walks again, my hair is growing and that since of independence is coming back again.  Can you tell, I'm excited!!!  Having Cancer isn't always easy but my cancer is beatable!  Having such a great support system has made this fight so much easier.  Get the tissues out and see this through to the end....just like you are doing for me.  Thank You All, this one is for you!!

A Week In Review.......

Dillon passed all his math tests early this year and was able to attend an Ice Cream Party to celebrate!!!  This 3rd Grader is now working on division!!!  WOW

Makayla came home so very excited to be one of a few soloists performing in her Jr High School Dance Show Recital.  Yeah!!!!!

JT was accepted into BYU-Idaho and will be on the Spring/Fall Track.  He will be going with some friends, lets just hope he doesn't have too much fun.  We are very proud of him but wondering how much dirty laundry he will be bringing home at Christmas??? ha ha

Cassandra was interviewed for weekly show on BYU TV.  That was so fun to see "Foot Poetry"  highlighted for their voluntary efforts in performing at events such as fundraisers.  Gotta love tap dancers!!

Janessa got a new job and was selected to be the Project Director for a BYU Non Profit group that travels to Haiti and helps with what ever sustaining is needed.  She will be there all summer.

Austin (son in law) will be attending lots of training for his military position this summer in and out of the country.  Not easy to do but not surprised he was selected!!  Hoo-Ra!

While having my pre-op in LA I had lots of messages on my iPhone that "Breaking News" was going on just a block away.  There were Firefighters, Cops, News Crews and Helicopters all around.  Well, just another day in Los Angeles.

I was tricked into attending an event and then surprised as I was given an award from Newhall Elementary PTA for volunteering.   I was shocked and humbled, my good friend of 18 years tricked me and brought me to this event, then stood up and spoke such wonderful words of how she thought of me (all good) and yes we shed a few tears.  They even got 3 of my kids and Kenny there.  I volunteer in PTA because of the kids, the schools, teachers and so many great programs, grants and scholarships that PTA offers to our schools nationwide.  I cannot express my gratitude enough for the recognition of  volunteering in the community, it's something I have loved doing.

Dillon's 2nd Grade teacher texted me at about 6:45am to tell me she had her baby boy just 12 hours before!  Oh my gosh is Kyle so very cute!   I was so excited to see this beautiful new little baby that was so sweet in his moms arms.  I can't wait to see and hold him again!!

I had the opportunity to meet with three wonderful women who have something in common with me, I guess you can figure out what that is (wink wink).  We found it alarming how many have recently been diagnosed with Breast Cancer.  The statistics read that 1 in 8 women are diagnosed with Breast Cancer, I wonder if those numbers will change soon to read 1 in 6?  These women are so wonderful and fun to talk to.  All of us have had Chemo and these women have had either a Single or Bi-Lateral Mastectomy as well.  I was so excited to see that these women have hair!!  They are walking around with surgeries and treatments done and just recovery ahead.  The funny thing about hair growing back in after Chemo, the last thing on your mind is to have it cut, trimmed or colored...Your Just Happy To Have Your Hair Again!  I am so happy to say my hair is growing in, slowly at this point but it's growing in.  I am not sure what color it is yet, but I am hoping its not one I would have to color.  I have never in my life had to color my hair, I loved my hair color and wishes it comes back the same.  No matter the color or texture I just pray daily my hair grows in fast.

No matter what is on my plate....life keeps going.

New Normal.....What Is Normal Now?

What is normal after a life changing event.  I can tell you that normal isn't what it used to be, I am still waiting.  I really thought that 3-4 weeks after my last Chemotherapy treatment I would be back to normal, well that was dumb of me! ha ha.  I have learned that I probably won't be 100% what I used to consider to be normal.   I am walking 1-2 miles daily now but always feel like I just did a "Last Chance Workout" with Jillian from the Biggest Loser.  I walk with a great new friend of mine who happens to be a nurse, so I know if I faint or something goes wrong...I'm in good hands.  My body has retained water enough for two people, but the walking is helping....well kinda.  My sleepless nights are still with me at 2am!!  You know, there are some strange shows on TV between 1:30am-4am.  I still have memory loss and eyes water like I'm crying.  BUT the upside is, I can eat and taste everything, I can eat all foods and not have side effects.  I drank one soda and realized I think soda is a once a month beverage for me, that's a plus!  My muscles and joints feel so stiff I sometimes think rigamortis has set in..ha ha. Just walking up stairs, no matter how few, are painful but doable.  I am not going to let this keep me from living a life, I just need to find that normal.  I hear "New Normal" is only a few months away for me.  I will have hair, the weight gain will be gone and hopefully the joint and muscle pain will be gone to.

I do have a couple of major surgeries coming up that will help with the prevention of having cancer return in the future.  February 21st I will have a Bi-Lateral Mastectomy with Plastic Surgery and in March I will have my Ovaries removed.  I am hoping for 100% remission of cancer but I am not turning my back on it.  This is my new normal, another lesson to learn in life.  So whats normal now, we really don't know yet but all modesty is thrown out the window when I see an Oncologist or Plastic Surgeon now!! ha ha.   You would think I am used to "New Normal" having had two girls in High School Cheer.....nope that's just plain craziness!!  Yet we get to be CheerParents yet again soon....Makayla is trying out for the High School Cheerleading Squad in a month or two, her two older sister's advise, "if your going to do it, stay out of the drama"!!  ha ha.  Now that's an Oxymoron...... 

Strawberry Lemonade......

Now that the chemicals are out of my system I can now have all those foods that I was unable to have during my therapy.  All carbonated drinks, berries, citric acid, spicy foods, shell fish and raw vegetables are suggested not to have for a Chemo Patient.  There are side effects that the chemicals from chemotherapy can cause, which of course I was having.   I know of some chemo patients that had these foods and were just fine, but of course Marri "Murphy's Law" was not able to.   I will say since I was unable to eat some of my favorite foods for three months, this has made those foods taste so much better now!!  Yesterday I was given the OK to eat all foods again, so I went shopping at the Produce store and bought myself some strawberries & tomatoes!!  I am not a big soda fan so I haven't missed that but I have missed having a strawberry lemonade....can't wait to have that again.   I will be so excited to have some great Mexican food!!

Now if my hair would just grow in...FAST.   I really want to go to Disneyland, but with either a scarf or wig on it will fly right off on a ride. Can you imagine some kid on Space Mountain enjoying his ride in the dark and BAM a hairy wig flies right into his face! Yea that would happen to me, so for now I will wait...ha ha

My energy is getting back to normal now.   I am so excited I can do things and not feel so exhausted after, that was so hard for me.  Over a few weeks the energy level really went to nothing and over time I didn't  notice how much.  Yesterday and today my energy level is amazingly working it's way back to what it used to be.  Although I have a few more surgeries to go I can now see the light at the end of this tunnel.  

Enjoy your food of choice today everyone!

Chemo....It Does Funny Things To Your Body

I am still waiting for my hair to grow back, you know I really miss it.  I sometimes find myself grabbing for it, brushing it and wanting to blow dry it.  It's the small things in life that you realize are habit forming.  I have a great wig that looks real, but I feel the mesh on my scalp, something you can't see.  I feel the synthetic hair and it doesn't feel the same to me.  I also wear my scarves, caps and hats but again it's not the same.  I have hair envy, is that bad or what?  I hear so many people complain about their hair color, texture and style.  I pray every day that my hair grows fast and isn't grey!! ha ha.

I have also realized how pale I am now....I haven't been out in the sun in so long!  I need to get out walking and get some color back in face.  Its so windy here lately I am afraid I may lose my wig so I guess I will have to sport a cap or scarf.  I went to a luncheon meeting one day in December.  I had just gotten this long wig from the American Cancer Society and wearing it was so new to me.  This lunch was on a day of "The Wind Storm" that blew through So Cal.  The wind was blowing so very hard that I had to hold the car door with two hands as I opened it to get out, for fear it could bend all the way back.  As I was walking to the restaurant I had to hold my wig down with my hand.  I noticed that the people in the restaurant were looking at me funny....I had to laugh, I would have done the same thing.  Since then I have learned to not ware wigs on a windy day...ha ha

Last week I attended another meeting and drove with a couple of friends.  We stopped at Taco Bell to grab a quick bite to eat.  I knew I couldn't eat anything there since I am unable to eat anything spicy.  I asked the man behind the counter if the chicken was spicy, he replied "No the a chicken isn't a spicy".  So I ordered a chicken soft taco with cheese only.  Now my mouth was coated, as usual after chemo, with this funny film in my mouth that prevented me from tasting anything.  I had my taco and we went on to the meeting.  After about 15 minutes my face felt really hot, I thought to myself "oh man my face is turning red"...then my tongue became tingly and my lips felt like they were plumping...ha ha.  All I could do was laugh in my head about this.  I wonder what the others in the meeting were thinking as they saw my face get more red as time went on.  So funny the things chemo can do to your body, yea really funny.

I'm so excited to eat spicy food again, salads, BBQ, berries and other fruit, eat tomatoes and not worry about what salt can do to my body.  I have gained about 15-20 lbs in water weight over the last week or two...I have been assured by my Hemo Oncologist that this weight will all come off in February.  I really hope she is right, I really don't want to end up on the Biggest Loser-Cancer Edition...ha ha  Actually that would be a good one!  I look forward to having the energy to exercise again!!  I need to build my stamina up and get back to working out again!!  

Sometimes Plans Change

So as I finished with my Chemotherapy....Wohooo....I continue to learn more and more about my pathology report, my body chemistry & options for treating my cancer to prevent it from coming back.  I have met with more new Doctors and have found that because I am Estrogen Positive my ovaries must come out, otherwise my cancer will come back.  I also have decided, through much prayer, to have a Bi-Lateral Mastectomy to prevent cancer from returning in either breast.  I know it's not 100% however chances are in my favor of  80%-90%  that it won't return.  I could have cancer in the muscles of my chest are and maybe in some tissue, but that is a slim chance.

So moving forward I will have my ovaries removed in February and Breast Surgery with reconstruction in March.  I should be done with all my surgeries in June!  I now have 3 Oncologists and a Plastic Surgeon, the good news is I won't need radiation now that I will have the Mastectomy, one less procedure to have done.

I have some great doctors who are really listening to me and teach me more about cancer and my body.  I am so grateful for the doctors and nurses I have!!

The Hard Truth

I am finally done with my Chemotherapy Treatments, each Chemotherapy does become harder to recover from.  So here's a list of the worst so far:

Hair follicles hurt - Loss of hair - Constipation - Body aches - Runny nose - Finger nails hurt - Joint pain - Memory loss - Physical fatigue - Eye sight blurry - Perception off - Very dry skin - Temporary menopause - Mouth sores - Intermittent loss of taste buds - Nausea - Headaches - Indigestion - Sleepless nights - Loss of smell - Weight Gain - Mental fatigue - Numbness - Night Sweats - Frustration - Understanding

I have to say with all this that I have been through so far, it's tolerable, it's not easy but it is tolerable.  I feel blessed for all the researchers and advancements in technology that has made Chemotherapy Tolerable.  I can remember my Grandmother dying of cancer in our home.  My sister and I had a large room on the main floor so the Hospital Bed was set up in our room.  We shared it with her intermittently over the last year of her life.  She was very skinny and frail.  Her tumor in her abdomen was so big she looked pregnant.  She carried it when she would slowly get out of bed.  She wore socks to help her legs from clotting.  She is was in so much pain she would moan all day and night.  My great Aunts and Great-grandmother came from as far away as Oklahoma to take turns caring of her.  One night she was so near death, at least that's what they told me, for all I know she did pass and they were able to revive her.  My Dad and Grandfather carried her to car and drove as fast as they could to UCSF where she was admitted and would pass away a couple of weeks later.  Her cancer metastisized and were now in her Uterus, Ovaries, Kidneys, Liver, Mouth and Brain.  She was a very strong woman all her life.  To see her pass this way was difficult but she was so very brave.  I wasn't very close to her but I have always had so much admoration for her and her strength.

Here is a few of what they call "Chemo Cocktail".  There are "Pre Chemo" drugs that are administered either through IV or Pills before I get the actual Chemo Drugs.  I start off with 3 Anti Nausea pills then receive a bag each of Saline, Pepcid and Benadryl.  All of these counter act any allergic effects I get from the Chemo it self. This process is usually an hour long.  I usually get very painful joint pain from the Taxotere (chemo)  so they then give me a syringe of Benadryl and push that through the IV, this really helps and then makes me really tired.  That treatment usually takes about 1 hour.  I then have a bag of Cytoxan (chemo) for about 40 minutes, this burns going in my hand so they heat me up a small bag of saline and put that on my hand, for some reason it helps???  Once I am done the IV comes out and I am free to go!  I was never to so happy to walk out those doors yesterday.

My faith hasn't been shaken but it has been strengthened.  I have literally cried in prayer for strength and asked to be carried when I need to be, I have been.  I know how loved I am by Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  I can say without a doubt that Jesus and Heavenly Father are my best friends.  When I have my darkest moments, when I am in so much pain or when I just need comforting I turn to my family and my Heavenly Father and my faith for strength.  I read my scriptures and write in my journal often.  I have gained so much spiritual strength over the last few months, but I know there is always room for growth.  I am so grateful for all the prayers offered on my behalf.  My fight is not over as I may have a few more surgeries ahead of me, but I do believe what I have been promised through my Church Patriarchial Blessing, that I will live a long life and I have much to accomplish.  No matter the age I am when I pass I am grateful for the knowledge that Families can be together forever.  Since my family has been sealed in the Los Angeles Temple I know that we will be together for all eternity, I am so grateful for that.  I am grateful for each and every one of you, it takes an enormous amount of support to not just the patient but the family as well.  We have been very blessed to have so much love and support.  I know this isn't usually as upbeat as I normally post but this is the true facts of Chemotherapy.  It's not easy but I have gotten through it.  I hope to never endure this again, I hope my children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren and any other family members never have to endure this terrible disease.  The truth is right now 1 in 8 will have breast cancer.  That's just for Breast Cancer, not to mention any other type of cancer out there.  I am very lucky to have the type of cancer that I do, this is so beatable.  I have decided to seek consultations for a Double Mastectomy and Hysterectomy as I am having a few issues with my female body parts during Chemo.  I am being very proactive in my health management and seeking all the advise and options that I have available before me.  I can't wait to get back to a normal life and have a Calling again for my church, give back to the community and start my Motivational Speaking as well as having my book published.  Lot's to look forward to but do know my family comes first!

My next Blog Posting wont be so harsh or weepy but I did want to share this with all of you so that you know how you have uplifted and really helped  my family through the last few months.  I can't thank you all enough.  2011 is behind us and I look forward to 2012 bringing much more great gifts and joy to our family.