New Normal.....What Is Normal Now?

What is normal after a life changing event.  I can tell you that normal isn't what it used to be, I am still waiting.  I really thought that 3-4 weeks after my last Chemotherapy treatment I would be back to normal, well that was dumb of me! ha ha.  I have learned that I probably won't be 100% what I used to consider to be normal.   I am walking 1-2 miles daily now but always feel like I just did a "Last Chance Workout" with Jillian from the Biggest Loser.  I walk with a great new friend of mine who happens to be a nurse, so I know if I faint or something goes wrong...I'm in good hands.  My body has retained water enough for two people, but the walking is helping....well kinda.  My sleepless nights are still with me at 2am!!  You know, there are some strange shows on TV between 1:30am-4am.  I still have memory loss and eyes water like I'm crying.  BUT the upside is, I can eat and taste everything, I can eat all foods and not have side effects.  I drank one soda and realized I think soda is a once a month beverage for me, that's a plus!  My muscles and joints feel so stiff I sometimes think rigamortis has set in..ha ha. Just walking up stairs, no matter how few, are painful but doable.  I am not going to let this keep me from living a life, I just need to find that normal.  I hear "New Normal" is only a few months away for me.  I will have hair, the weight gain will be gone and hopefully the joint and muscle pain will be gone to.

I do have a couple of major surgeries coming up that will help with the prevention of having cancer return in the future.  February 21st I will have a Bi-Lateral Mastectomy with Plastic Surgery and in March I will have my Ovaries removed.  I am hoping for 100% remission of cancer but I am not turning my back on it.  This is my new normal, another lesson to learn in life.  So whats normal now, we really don't know yet but all modesty is thrown out the window when I see an Oncologist or Plastic Surgeon now!! ha ha.   You would think I am used to "New Normal" having had two girls in High School Cheer.....nope that's just plain craziness!!  Yet we get to be CheerParents yet again soon....Makayla is trying out for the High School Cheerleading Squad in a month or two, her two older sister's advise, "if your going to do it, stay out of the drama"!!  ha ha.  Now that's an Oxymoron...... 

Strawberry Lemonade......

Now that the chemicals are out of my system I can now have all those foods that I was unable to have during my therapy.  All carbonated drinks, berries, citric acid, spicy foods, shell fish and raw vegetables are suggested not to have for a Chemo Patient.  There are side effects that the chemicals from chemotherapy can cause, which of course I was having.   I know of some chemo patients that had these foods and were just fine, but of course Marri "Murphy's Law" was not able to.   I will say since I was unable to eat some of my favorite foods for three months, this has made those foods taste so much better now!!  Yesterday I was given the OK to eat all foods again, so I went shopping at the Produce store and bought myself some strawberries & tomatoes!!  I am not a big soda fan so I haven't missed that but I have missed having a strawberry lemonade....can't wait to have that again.   I will be so excited to have some great Mexican food!!

Now if my hair would just grow in...FAST.   I really want to go to Disneyland, but with either a scarf or wig on it will fly right off on a ride. Can you imagine some kid on Space Mountain enjoying his ride in the dark and BAM a hairy wig flies right into his face! Yea that would happen to me, so for now I will wait...ha ha

My energy is getting back to normal now.   I am so excited I can do things and not feel so exhausted after, that was so hard for me.  Over a few weeks the energy level really went to nothing and over time I didn't  notice how much.  Yesterday and today my energy level is amazingly working it's way back to what it used to be.  Although I have a few more surgeries to go I can now see the light at the end of this tunnel.  

Enjoy your food of choice today everyone!

Chemo....It Does Funny Things To Your Body

I am still waiting for my hair to grow back, you know I really miss it.  I sometimes find myself grabbing for it, brushing it and wanting to blow dry it.  It's the small things in life that you realize are habit forming.  I have a great wig that looks real, but I feel the mesh on my scalp, something you can't see.  I feel the synthetic hair and it doesn't feel the same to me.  I also wear my scarves, caps and hats but again it's not the same.  I have hair envy, is that bad or what?  I hear so many people complain about their hair color, texture and style.  I pray every day that my hair grows fast and isn't grey!! ha ha.

I have also realized how pale I am now....I haven't been out in the sun in so long!  I need to get out walking and get some color back in face.  Its so windy here lately I am afraid I may lose my wig so I guess I will have to sport a cap or scarf.  I went to a luncheon meeting one day in December.  I had just gotten this long wig from the American Cancer Society and wearing it was so new to me.  This lunch was on a day of "The Wind Storm" that blew through So Cal.  The wind was blowing so very hard that I had to hold the car door with two hands as I opened it to get out, for fear it could bend all the way back.  As I was walking to the restaurant I had to hold my wig down with my hand.  I noticed that the people in the restaurant were looking at me funny....I had to laugh, I would have done the same thing.  Since then I have learned to not ware wigs on a windy day...ha ha

Last week I attended another meeting and drove with a couple of friends.  We stopped at Taco Bell to grab a quick bite to eat.  I knew I couldn't eat anything there since I am unable to eat anything spicy.  I asked the man behind the counter if the chicken was spicy, he replied "No the a chicken isn't a spicy".  So I ordered a chicken soft taco with cheese only.  Now my mouth was coated, as usual after chemo, with this funny film in my mouth that prevented me from tasting anything.  I had my taco and we went on to the meeting.  After about 15 minutes my face felt really hot, I thought to myself "oh man my face is turning red"...then my tongue became tingly and my lips felt like they were plumping...ha ha.  All I could do was laugh in my head about this.  I wonder what the others in the meeting were thinking as they saw my face get more red as time went on.  So funny the things chemo can do to your body, yea really funny.

I'm so excited to eat spicy food again, salads, BBQ, berries and other fruit, eat tomatoes and not worry about what salt can do to my body.  I have gained about 15-20 lbs in water weight over the last week or two...I have been assured by my Hemo Oncologist that this weight will all come off in February.  I really hope she is right, I really don't want to end up on the Biggest Loser-Cancer Edition...ha ha  Actually that would be a good one!  I look forward to having the energy to exercise again!!  I need to build my stamina up and get back to working out again!!  

Sometimes Plans Change

So as I finished with my Chemotherapy....Wohooo....I continue to learn more and more about my pathology report, my body chemistry & options for treating my cancer to prevent it from coming back.  I have met with more new Doctors and have found that because I am Estrogen Positive my ovaries must come out, otherwise my cancer will come back.  I also have decided, through much prayer, to have a Bi-Lateral Mastectomy to prevent cancer from returning in either breast.  I know it's not 100% however chances are in my favor of  80%-90%  that it won't return.  I could have cancer in the muscles of my chest are and maybe in some tissue, but that is a slim chance.

So moving forward I will have my ovaries removed in February and Breast Surgery with reconstruction in March.  I should be done with all my surgeries in June!  I now have 3 Oncologists and a Plastic Surgeon, the good news is I won't need radiation now that I will have the Mastectomy, one less procedure to have done.

I have some great doctors who are really listening to me and teach me more about cancer and my body.  I am so grateful for the doctors and nurses I have!!

The Hard Truth

I am finally done with my Chemotherapy Treatments, each Chemotherapy does become harder to recover from.  So here's a list of the worst so far:

Hair follicles hurt - Loss of hair - Constipation - Body aches - Runny nose - Finger nails hurt - Joint pain - Memory loss - Physical fatigue - Eye sight blurry - Perception off - Very dry skin - Temporary menopause - Mouth sores - Intermittent loss of taste buds - Nausea - Headaches - Indigestion - Sleepless nights - Loss of smell - Weight Gain - Mental fatigue - Numbness - Night Sweats - Frustration - Understanding

I have to say with all this that I have been through so far, it's tolerable, it's not easy but it is tolerable.  I feel blessed for all the researchers and advancements in technology that has made Chemotherapy Tolerable.  I can remember my Grandmother dying of cancer in our home.  My sister and I had a large room on the main floor so the Hospital Bed was set up in our room.  We shared it with her intermittently over the last year of her life.  She was very skinny and frail.  Her tumor in her abdomen was so big she looked pregnant.  She carried it when she would slowly get out of bed.  She wore socks to help her legs from clotting.  She is was in so much pain she would moan all day and night.  My great Aunts and Great-grandmother came from as far away as Oklahoma to take turns caring of her.  One night she was so near death, at least that's what they told me, for all I know she did pass and they were able to revive her.  My Dad and Grandfather carried her to car and drove as fast as they could to UCSF where she was admitted and would pass away a couple of weeks later.  Her cancer metastisized and were now in her Uterus, Ovaries, Kidneys, Liver, Mouth and Brain.  She was a very strong woman all her life.  To see her pass this way was difficult but she was so very brave.  I wasn't very close to her but I have always had so much admoration for her and her strength.

Here is a few of what they call "Chemo Cocktail".  There are "Pre Chemo" drugs that are administered either through IV or Pills before I get the actual Chemo Drugs.  I start off with 3 Anti Nausea pills then receive a bag each of Saline, Pepcid and Benadryl.  All of these counter act any allergic effects I get from the Chemo it self. This process is usually an hour long.  I usually get very painful joint pain from the Taxotere (chemo)  so they then give me a syringe of Benadryl and push that through the IV, this really helps and then makes me really tired.  That treatment usually takes about 1 hour.  I then have a bag of Cytoxan (chemo) for about 40 minutes, this burns going in my hand so they heat me up a small bag of saline and put that on my hand, for some reason it helps???  Once I am done the IV comes out and I am free to go!  I was never to so happy to walk out those doors yesterday.

My faith hasn't been shaken but it has been strengthened.  I have literally cried in prayer for strength and asked to be carried when I need to be, I have been.  I know how loved I am by Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  I can say without a doubt that Jesus and Heavenly Father are my best friends.  When I have my darkest moments, when I am in so much pain or when I just need comforting I turn to my family and my Heavenly Father and my faith for strength.  I read my scriptures and write in my journal often.  I have gained so much spiritual strength over the last few months, but I know there is always room for growth.  I am so grateful for all the prayers offered on my behalf.  My fight is not over as I may have a few more surgeries ahead of me, but I do believe what I have been promised through my Church Patriarchial Blessing, that I will live a long life and I have much to accomplish.  No matter the age I am when I pass I am grateful for the knowledge that Families can be together forever.  Since my family has been sealed in the Los Angeles Temple I know that we will be together for all eternity, I am so grateful for that.  I am grateful for each and every one of you, it takes an enormous amount of support to not just the patient but the family as well.  We have been very blessed to have so much love and support.  I know this isn't usually as upbeat as I normally post but this is the true facts of Chemotherapy.  It's not easy but I have gotten through it.  I hope to never endure this again, I hope my children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren and any other family members never have to endure this terrible disease.  The truth is right now 1 in 8 will have breast cancer.  That's just for Breast Cancer, not to mention any other type of cancer out there.  I am very lucky to have the type of cancer that I do, this is so beatable.  I have decided to seek consultations for a Double Mastectomy and Hysterectomy as I am having a few issues with my female body parts during Chemo.  I am being very proactive in my health management and seeking all the advise and options that I have available before me.  I can't wait to get back to a normal life and have a Calling again for my church, give back to the community and start my Motivational Speaking as well as having my book published.  Lot's to look forward to but do know my family comes first!

My next Blog Posting wont be so harsh or weepy but I did want to share this with all of you so that you know how you have uplifted and really helped  my family through the last few months.  I can't thank you all enough.  2011 is behind us and I look forward to 2012 bringing much more great gifts and joy to our family.

Giving & Receiving.....

I know I am not the only mom out there who has done this but when you receive a phone call from your 8 year old from school telling you that you forgot to pick him up, you feel like your the only parent on earth that has done this.  After we picked Dillon up from school I explained to him that since I had Chemo on Tuesday I wasn't feeling 100% just yet.  He replied "What you had Chemo on Tuesday? I didn't know that?", it's that selective hearing thing kids have.  He then said the smartest thing that made me think he is paying attention, "That means you only have one more!  What day is that on?"  I had to tell him he is so smart!!!  I then realized my disease has consumed our every thought, I just hope that we can make this into a positive.  With as many blessings as I have been given I really hope to help others and make sure my family can do the same with our knowledge of this disease and treatments that are needed to be undergone.

I had an amazing opportunity to meet with a new friend Janelle, who had her first Chemotherapy on Tuesday December 20th.  Cassandra is friends with her son Tanner, who is currently serving a mission for our church in Australia.  Cassandra & I put together a care package and brought it to Janelle Monday.  I was able to answer her questions and hopefully calm her fears of having Chemotherapy and all that it will bring to her body.  She is doing great and will continue to do so, she is a very strong person.  I was so happy to be on the giving end instead of the receiving end.  I so appreciate all the help, dinners brought in, gifts, kind words, lovely cards and many many prayers said on my behalf.  BUT it felt great to be back where I usually am, the giver.

One thing, out of many, that I have learned so far is.....to receive is just as important as to give.   As important as it to give of your time, effort, talents, love and compassion, it is just as important to receive those special gifts.  When someone has taken the time to bake cookies and bring them to you as a gift during the holidays or to show appreciation, the gratification of having them received with such joy is so important to the giver.  I have learned that to show my appreciation to those who have given me so much from dinners to prayers, is to give back by doing for others.  When I give a plate of homemade baked goods I don't want the receiver to make me a plate, I would hope that they would do something similar for another family.  That's the gift that keeps on giving, something that has been taught to us for over 2000 years.

My gift to everyone this year, gratitude.  I have not lost faith, I have not lost hope and I have not lost the trust that no matter what, I have a mission on this earth and I fully intend to fulfill that mission.  

Crossing a Hurdle

Tuesday November 29th was my 2nd Round of Chemotherapy, and for the most part it went good.  This time was a bit harder during the treatment but I survived.  I was more tired after treatment this time, and it will be a bit more each time.  Luckily I only have 2 more and I am done!  Tuesday December 6th I had a brunch to attend, it was good to see friends I hadn't seen in a few months.  Most didn't know about my Breast Cancer Fight.  We had a motivational speaker address over 200 of us, Carrie was great.  She started off with a "Who here is a" or "Who here has had to" but then she got to her last question, "Who here is a Cancer Survivor".  I had been raising my hand to the questions that applied to me and when it came to this one all the sudden everything was in slow motion.  I saw a few friends look at me as if to say, ok thats you raise your hand.  Then Carrie had asked me to stand up, I did as I was told but now realizing "oh my gosh I am a Cancer Survivor".  My eyes filled with tears and of course I tired to shut that off, this was a happy time and why would I cry now??!!  I only stood for a few seconds, but it felt like a few minutes.  I heard some gasps with disbelief, they didn't know...Well didn't the scarf on my head give that away, ha ha.  I also heard some say "ohh", I guess it all just hit me and to be asked to stand and hear claps of encouragement for what I am going through was overwhelming for me.  At this moment I felt like I had crossed a hurdle, I wasn't at home having a pity party, I wasn't in the car crying to a song that touched me, I wasn't toughing out my emotions,  I felt empowered!  Sitting on one side of me was Heidi, who's sister lives in Pennsylvania and recently found out that her breast cancer had come back and now they would be doing Chemotherapy.  Heidi had so many questions for me and I was able to answer them.  On the other side Diane, a great friend who comforted me knowing somewhat of my feelings.  Her dad is battling cancer and not doing well right now.  Later in the day I received a call from my friend Lisa who told me her friend had just been diagnosed with Breast Cancer and she had asked if it was ok for her friend to call me.   I have a great mentor Ines, who has been there every step of the way, checking in on me and calls just to make me laugh.  Now it's my turn to do the same.  The unknown is frightening but when you have someone to guide you through, its not so bad.  I am grateful that I have been given this great gift to share with others and help where I'm needed.  I am grateful that my cancer didn't spread, it is curable and I will live a long life. I am grateful for a loving family who supports me and loves me eternaly.  I am grateful for friends who are so gracious, kind and so incredibly supportive.  The strength I have is one that is developed through Faith and Prayer, without that I would be on my sofa watching movies.  Not now, I have a goal.  I am writing a book, becoming a Motivational Speaker and living my life they way I am supposed to.   Thank You Carrie for coming to speak to all 200+ of us and have the courage to ask me to stand.

Christmas is only 17 days away....I have so much shopping to do, but keeping mind what this Holiday is all about.  As a primary song sings "I'm Trying To Be Like Jesus"..... Merry Christmas Everyone!